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| Photo by D. Strupp |
There's a maddening effect to knock on so many doors without ever receiving so much as a shout coming from behind it. That is what applying for jobs in a dismal economy is like. There are still thousands of jobs to pour over on a daily basis. Some of these jobs you must convince yourself that you're worthy of knowing full well you don't meet the requirements. Those are the ones where your pride swells, and you realize all that motivational speak might be worth something, because you just need to convince yourself you can do the job, and then you'll be able to do it. But that thought is less than fleeting. There are jobs we are prepared for and jobs we can bullshit, but there are also jobs we just aren't qualified to do.
Then there are the jobs that are well below what you're capable of, but just good enough to provide the thought of being able to regain a foothold once again. If you obtained this lower job, you'd be able to get your skill set back in sharp order, get a leg up on the unemployed and really aim high for that job you want. This, is less fleeting than the prior, but still an abysmal thought to consider.
Sucking up your pride has a tendency to make you bloated if performed all too often. It's painful to ingest so much negativity and try to digest it and produce a positive outcome, because usually it's just shit.
And to say that you've been doing it for so long starts to become harder for some reason. Some people would say you get used to it, but you don't. The burden grows heavier by the day. The indigestion seems a little bit worse when you go to bed each night. Your pulse quickens every time a friend tells you it will be alright, and that you'll find something, they just know it. The unemployment checks feel filthier each time and there's a brief thrill followed by the painful realization that the money you've just been given is bound for other things than your desires.
Having to rely on others for the basics feels like being a lovable form of cancer to someone who doesn't have the health to bear it. And finally, the self-doubt is crippling. It is nothing short of painful to have the belief that you are not employed because you are not capable of employment. Your head and heart disengage, and one tells the other fallacies until your incapable of determining which to believe. Others are always quick to rush in and try to knock you out of that mindset, but perhaps they cannot perceive the logic behind its manifestation. Perhaps that logic is a coping mechanism to make sense out of the utter difficulty out of the situation. You are unemployed because you are not good enough. That is an easier truth to fathom than trying to comprehend the complexities of a global economy swirling down the shitter. It is not possible to realize exactly why you're constantly passed over, but don't worry. They'll stop passing you by soon enough.
